Where is my Heart?

Some people who read my blog have expressed concerns, their concerns are mainly where I stand. By stand I guess I mean where my heart lies.

I am not sure if you have watched the triology of movies 'Pirates of the Caribean.' In the movie their is a pirate whose heart is in a box and throughout all three movies there is a fight for it. Davie Jones (the pirate) knows that if this box with the heart in it falls into the wrong hands he is basically a goner.

I feel like him. Although I am not a pirate, but I am a wanderer. My heart is in a box some where. I can't figure out the exact moment when I lost my heart, I don't understand why it happened either. What went wrong. Just like Davie I am worrying that my heart may fall into the wrong hands. It has fallen into the wrong hands in the past, but there is always the question of 'what if I can't get it back?'

Do I want it back? I find that when I had my heart that it hurt too much. I found myself crying for people in need. Do I really want to cry whenever I see someone that I can't help? I would be crying all the time. Sometimes its much easier to not have my heart.

I know this sounds weird. But the way I see it, everyone in the world has 2 options. Give their heart to God to be protected and loved. Or give your heart to something else, anything else. The second choice all too often gets made. In fact I have given my heart away to that choice. I know that it was a stupid choice.

I now can see how broken my heart has become. I've given pieces of my heart to many different things. Friends, family, boys, parties, alcohol, drugs, sex, music, popularity, gossip, bitterness, hatred, self disgust, money. All those things have a piece of my heart. All those things are wandering around some where with my heart.

I am still me, just minus my heart. But if you don't have a heart are you still you? Once God had my heart. I felt more alive and for the first time in my life I knew who I was and who I was created to be. But alas I have wandered away from that truth.

It is simple to turn back to God. It takes 3 words. Please Forgive me. It takes a need, a want, a desire to be forgiven. Yes I have those things. Yes I want to follow God. But I am sick of using God. I'm sick of begging for forgiveness (God doesn't make us beg...its just out of our selfishness that we think that we need to beg God to forgive us) I am sick of telling God that I love him so much, I am sick of raising my hands in praise, when I don't mean it. One minute I am praising, the next I am cursing. Its sick really. Is it too much to expect of myself to just believe? To have faith? And to follow him? Instead of being blown away like a leaf in the wind?

I know thats what this journey of life is about. Learning to follow. I want to live for God. I just know right now I can't. I can't go back to him unless I know that I am serious this time. Have you ever had a friend who was only your friend when they were in need? This is what I am with God. I need to get to the point where I truly want him. Out of want and desire. Not need. I know I need him. But do I desire him? Do I want him?

I just don't know yet.