a long time gone

I guess I haven't updated this thing for awhile. I don't really have much to say except that I am alive.

Healing Tears

On Friday, I spent 3/4 's of the day crying. There were tears of sadness, loneliness, anger, confusion, joy, happiness, love and life. There were also tears for the end of an era. I haven't spent much time studying the old testament like I should have but after 40 years of wandering in the desert I am positive that when they were heading to the promised land that they cried a mixture of tears.

I am no longer wandering in the desert. I feel as if I am on the edge of something more, I'm on the ledge waiting to jump. All I have to do is jump, to run ahead, to climb. God did something major in my heart these past 10 days. It hurt...alot. I had to get rid of some things that were really important in my life. It hasn't really sunken in yet, because I haven't returned to my normal life yet... (aka life back in Edmonton). And to be completely honest I am scared.

Someone told me the other day that the reason why I always have discouragement coming my way is because satan knows that if I actually follow God with my whole heart that I will be a force. That made me think, its true. Whenever I get really close to God, something happens, and I fall down the mountain that I have worked so hard for.

The other day before I came to the place where I found God, I was wondering if I ever really believed. How can someone whose seen as many miracles as I have, someone whose had real conversations with God, and ya have known his great love...how can they just turn around and run away. I wondered if I was ever truly a spiritual person.

Yes. I was. And still am. The desire for the truth never left, it was always there. I just tried to cover it. There is a verse in the bible that says something like this 'That neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither past nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'

Amen....more to follow.

Where is my Heart?

Some people who read my blog have expressed concerns, their concerns are mainly where I stand. By stand I guess I mean where my heart lies.

I am not sure if you have watched the triology of movies 'Pirates of the Caribean.' In the movie their is a pirate whose heart is in a box and throughout all three movies there is a fight for it. Davie Jones (the pirate) knows that if this box with the heart in it falls into the wrong hands he is basically a goner.

I feel like him. Although I am not a pirate, but I am a wanderer. My heart is in a box some where. I can't figure out the exact moment when I lost my heart, I don't understand why it happened either. What went wrong. Just like Davie I am worrying that my heart may fall into the wrong hands. It has fallen into the wrong hands in the past, but there is always the question of 'what if I can't get it back?'

Do I want it back? I find that when I had my heart that it hurt too much. I found myself crying for people in need. Do I really want to cry whenever I see someone that I can't help? I would be crying all the time. Sometimes its much easier to not have my heart.

I know this sounds weird. But the way I see it, everyone in the world has 2 options. Give their heart to God to be protected and loved. Or give your heart to something else, anything else. The second choice all too often gets made. In fact I have given my heart away to that choice. I know that it was a stupid choice.

I now can see how broken my heart has become. I've given pieces of my heart to many different things. Friends, family, boys, parties, alcohol, drugs, sex, music, popularity, gossip, bitterness, hatred, self disgust, money. All those things have a piece of my heart. All those things are wandering around some where with my heart.

I am still me, just minus my heart. But if you don't have a heart are you still you? Once God had my heart. I felt more alive and for the first time in my life I knew who I was and who I was created to be. But alas I have wandered away from that truth.

It is simple to turn back to God. It takes 3 words. Please Forgive me. It takes a need, a want, a desire to be forgiven. Yes I have those things. Yes I want to follow God. But I am sick of using God. I'm sick of begging for forgiveness (God doesn't make us beg...its just out of our selfishness that we think that we need to beg God to forgive us) I am sick of telling God that I love him so much, I am sick of raising my hands in praise, when I don't mean it. One minute I am praising, the next I am cursing. Its sick really. Is it too much to expect of myself to just believe? To have faith? And to follow him? Instead of being blown away like a leaf in the wind?

I know thats what this journey of life is about. Learning to follow. I want to live for God. I just know right now I can't. I can't go back to him unless I know that I am serious this time. Have you ever had a friend who was only your friend when they were in need? This is what I am with God. I need to get to the point where I truly want him. Out of want and desire. Not need. I know I need him. But do I desire him? Do I want him?

I just don't know yet.

As I walk down the street with my pedicure, my salon dyed hair, my brand new cell phone attached to my ear, and an ipod attached to the other, I suddenly look around. I walk this road every day. Sometimes 2 to 3 times. Why haven't I taken it in. Thats when I realize that I don't want to take it in, because perhaps that I acknowledged my surroundings that I would try to do something about it.



I stop and smell one of the many lilac bushes that line the street. "Hello." A voice from inside the bush says. After the shock has subsided, I realize that I am envading into ones home. This woman had set up a matress and tarp inside this bush. "Sorry." I replied hurriedly and went on my way.



Thats when I look around. It is like I am seeing things for the first time. There are matresses, and clothes, and garbage bags all around this area. Sure, I see homeless people all the time. Which is tragic. But I look around at the majority of these people, and they look normal. In fact I recognize some of them. I ride the bus and the train with them, I see them going into work.



These are the working homeless class that I read about. I didn't know or maybe I just didn't care before. But these people are my neighbours. They live in the ravine across from my house. I live in the richest province of Canada. Yet this province has the lowest minimum wage. There is a major housing shortage at the moment. And the houses and appartments that are available are so overpriced that it has forced 'normal people' on the streets.



This is absolutely unacceptable. What can we do about this? How can we change this?

So I wrote this yesterday. Well today I walked down the road again. Things were different. What changed? Oh yes that lilic bush that I had refered to, where the one woman was living. It was gone. Is that how we are dealing with the problems in society? Just pretending they don't exist. If there is no place for the person to go they won't stay in that area..is that what we are doing? Just sweeping this problem under the rug?

What can I do? What can we do?

Calm

Funny story. People think I'm calm. I know its a laugh. You and I both know that I am not that calm of a person. Apparently I have become calmer. Ya I know. I laugh every time I hear it. People at work tell me I'm so calm all the time. They ask me how I can be so calm. Which is amusing because well at work is when I am the most high strung. The gym too. My personal trainer tells everyone that I work with that I am calm. That I just go with the flow.

If only they knew what went on in my head :) In my head I freak out alot. Do you ever sit there and realize that you've said something you meant to say in your head aloud? That has happened to me more and more frequently. ITs weird :)

Today was a good day. I got to go to a baby shower for a really really good friend of mine. I would consider her my sister. Her mom was the one that took care of me for many years. I am so fond of that family. Yes thats right...fond. Her mom told stories about me...haha I was such a brilliant child. I mean, finally someone realizes how truly brilliant I am :)

Yes anyways. I'm gonna go play poker right now...I have an amazing poker face...haha. haha.haha. not really. I Don't even know how to play poker. But I told everyone that I do...ya...

ciao

Bad luck with roomates...

Maybe its me. Maybe it really isn't someone else's fault. Maybe its me. Maybe I'm a bad roomate. Its me than. 2 out of 2 people that I've lived with. Hmm. They both have something in common... Me. Then its settled. Hense forth and forever more I shall not be allowed to live with anyone.

Well this time, hmmm. Not sure if I'm actually to blame. A girl I know is living with me, and has been for the past month. She didn't have a job, or money. Well, she still doesn't have money. How can a person live off someone else for a month and not get a job????? Does she think I am made of money? I don't get it. I don't get it. Like, who does that?

I talked to her today. I guess she got a job. She starts on Monday. Its about bloody time. A month. I've supported her for a month. I'm tired. Can I afford to have a 20 year old child?
I am still at a loss. How long can I go on like this? I've worked hard for my stuff. I know that stuff isn't the be all end all. But I started with nothing and I made something ya know?

And she has a cat. It stinks. My house smells like cat. Ok correction the litter box is a rotting pit of smelly disgusting fesces and I don't think that I should be the one to clean it. Ya, anyways I know I am just being selfish. But I don't think I should have to take a second job to support someone else.

Anyways, I am actually in a good mood. ITs nice and glorious out. Obviously I am not outside. I swept off my sidewalk, and played with the dog. Actually I threw this ball and it got stuck on the neighbours side of the fence and I had to like reach my hand thru the narrow fence and try to pull the ball out all while trying to distract the dog as to not eat me :) Meanwhile the neighbours were watching me out their window. Haha.

I'm cool beans.

Wandering in the Desert

Wandering in the Desert

I used to read the bible. I used to read it everyday. One part that always made me mad, was the part about how God set the Israelites free from the reign of pharroh. God showed his kids many many amazing miracles. He even parted the seas for their safe journey. Incredible right. Well when they crossed the river, he even supplied them with mannah from heaven.

It fell from the heaven just for them. I always thought that they were so stupid. They had seen so many amazing signs and wonders. They had been from the pit of despair to the top of the mountain, But then they turned their back on God. They walked away. They ended up wandering the desert for 40 years.

They made me so mad. Why the hell did they walk away? God showed them so much for crying out loud. Why would they rather serve a golden calf than a God that had taken them away from slavery.

Then I realized that I am like these people. God has given me so much, he set me free from my captives, he provided away across the sea, he blessed me with mannah from heaven. And where am I now? I chose to be back in slavery. I have chosen to wander this horrible desert for 40 years.

And why? All because I am stubborn. Too stubborn to admit that I am wrong. Too stubborn to admit that I am lost, scared, alone. So I continue to wander in this darkness…waiting for what? Waiting for an epiphany? A revelation? What if I continue wandering in this desert and they never come? How long will I wander for? 40 years is a long time. Will I ever see the promise land?

Do I deserve to see the promised land?

Respect and things of the like?

In the days of the internet I know that I should not post anything like this as the person may find it. Your taking a chance to talk about your personal life on the interent. But I need to share somewhere. So here I am, sharing my thoughts on the 'world wide web'.
Can you work for someone you don't respect? Can you enjoy your job if you have absolutely no respect whatsoever for the one who is incharge? Or can you force yourself to respect someone?
I can't. I've tried. How much longer can I work in this place? I have no respect. I am trying. I am trying to change my outlook on things. But how can I give someone respect who deserves none. But who am I to decide who deserves respect?
So can I continue? Can I keep going. It hurts. Its tiring. And I am angry. I am very angry. I visulize myself quitting my job in an angry way. Making a scene. Saying how I feel. Instead I just bottle it up. I keep it inside. And I fake it...boy am I pro at faking it when I want to. So yes I will keep going. Keep pretending that I am happy where I am. But what happens when I stop pretending? Will I explode?

Wake me when its over....

That has been the theme of the past few weeks of my life.

I have had a rough couple of weeks and that is precisely why I haven't updated my blog. I won't bore you with the details of why I want this period to end. But lets just say its getting better...Hopefully.

I am in Calgary for the long weekend. I am hanging out with 2 Amanda's. Tomorrow we are heading to Banff. Should be good fun. Today Amanda G got a tattoo. I was going to but I didn't in the end.

I got back information on my Sponsor Child. Manikanton. He is an absolutely beautiful boy. Adorable. I will try to post a picture and more information when I am at home. I got a laptop for my birthday so I will finally have internet at home. But yes its so amazing that 35$ can help a family of 5 so much. But he is soo beautiful. Maybe one day I will get to visit him.

Work is ok. There is not much work as we needlessly have 3 therapists and slow season has begun. This is a matter of great importance or I guess frusteration in my life.

And my home life. Yes that is another matter that causes great consternation in my life. I have a roomate. Yes its true. And ya. Enough said about that. I won't let my bitter thoughts cascade up on you.

Anyways I must go. It is 2:30 and we wake in a few hours.

Angee

A Day of Compassion

Today I sponsored a child. He is from India and he is 7 years old, and his name starts with an N. But I don't know how to spell it as of yet. I will update you when I know how to spell it. I am so excited about this!

The Cold North

Why do I always seem to update my blog when I am not in a good mood...weird eh. :) I blame it on gravity personally. That dang gravity.

Things are pretty good today, except that it is really cold outside. We had a few really warm days and then back the rain and snow for us.

I don't even have anything to say today.

So good day.

all is well

well.

my brother arrived home safely. and if you've watched the news about the ship crash in greece, then everything you've heard about it is probably a lie. none of the people on the ship got there stuff back. not everyone made it out safely. 2 people are still missing. 2 people are still missing.

a father and a daughter. they were on holidays. a family was ripped apart do to a crews negligence. do they realized that they may have ruined people's lives?

my brother lost all his stuff. its just stuff. its amazing how important all that stuff is to us. its just stuff. but to replace the stuff is really expensive.

its really a ridiculous story. and now the media here is painting the kids in this group as horrible people because one of the girls mentioned that she got in a fight with an older man for his life jacket. and they had all these editorials in the papers saying thats whats wrong with the youth of today. well whose fault was it that the ship didn't have enough bloody life jackets? whose fault was it that the evacuation process took over 7 hours? whose fault was it that an alarm to warn people wasn't set off til an hour after the ship hit the rock? whose fault is it those 2 people died? is it the youth of todays fault? ya right.

these kids aren't the enemy. you picture yourself on a sinking ship with 1600 other people. think about it. think about. this ship is sinking. you actually think you are going to die. of course there is going to be chaos. of course there is going to violence. thats human nature.

whatever.

ode to a sunken cruise ship

By now most of you have heard about my little 16 year old brothers cruise ship adventure. Although you may not have realized that it involved someone you knew.

A few days ago in Greece a Cruise ship with around 2000 people hit a rock and started to sink. There was a huge evacuation. Life boats and other boats hurried to the scene. Apparently women and children got taken off first. People were pretty shaken up. I have been making fun of it for the past few days, making titanic jokes. But that was when I thought everyone was ok. 2 people are still missing. Everyone in my brothers group lost all of their stuff. But atleast I knew that he was ok.

He went with a group of about 22 people from his highschool. Some of the girls haven't stopped crying since it happened. They thought they were going to die. Some of them may need counselling. I don't know details. My mom is at the airport picking him up now, there was big security measures as the media is waiting there for them.

I will update more when I know details.

the move!

On Friday March 30, a group of people came together to help me move into my new place. Who knew a person could have so much stuff...Especially a person who has only lived in that place for like 4 months. Ridiculous I tell you.

At first I was kind of like, what have I gotten myself into? But its turning into more of a home now. I kinda enjoy it. And my fish whose name I have forgotten likes the place a lot more as well. Well maybe its because his water got changed for the first time in how long.

But its a fun place. Pretty retro. But its a good area. Its a block away from the river valley and it overlooks a ravine. And there is a lot more space. I think I like it. Although I have only spent 1 night alone in the new place since Friday.

I am getting a cat as well. I am pretty excited about that. I have been looking at the SPCA for one.

Anyways yes thats me. Oh and I have been going crazy because my home phone won't be hooked up until Friday.

Ta ta.

Customer Appreciation Day

It has an ominous ring to it, wouldn't you say. Ok, maybe it doesn't. Customer Apprectiate day at a gym. More specifically the gym I go to...World Health Club. Yesterday I decided that I would go to the gym after work. Big mistake. I walked up to the doors and I saw balloons. Balloons.

Balloons are always a bad sign. I've realized that I really hate balloons. Balloons just mean that their are fake happy people lurking around the corner, waiting there ready to pounce. I don't want fake happy people at the gym pouncing on me.

All I want to go in, do my thing and leave. I don't want freebies. I don't want to talk to a personal trainer. I want to put on my unapproachable face and do what I came to do. Then I want to get the hell out of there.

But apparently, not only am I a glutton for food, but I am a glutton for punishment. I finally signed up for my free personal training sessions. I haven't set a date but I took one more step towards this thing. I'm sorry but getting my ass kicked with fitness isn't something that I eagerly walk into.

I signed up with this one trainer because I liked the looks of her. Thats right. I judged a book by its cover. I looked at all the other personal trainers and I decided that they didn't have the right look. They are too skinny. This trainer has a big butt. Ha ha. Yep the person at the front desk was like why her. And I said I trust her more cause she has a big butt. The smiley happy lady at the front desk stopped smiling. Ha. Take your fake happiness and shove it...

Anyways thats enough about Customer Appreciation Day. Today I went to the gym as well. And it was better. The balloons were gone.

ME

I haven't written in here for a long time so I thought that i should write a short update.

I'm moving. Hopefully some time this week. I can't wait to leave the hell hole that I live in now. I hate it. I can't believe I let someone talk me into moving there. Let this be a lesson. Never move into a place that is convenient for the other person. Cause in the end they will screw you over. Its funny cause people warned me that it would happen. But I trust too easily.

I quit my job at the spa. But I will probly still work there once in awhile. I lost respect for the boss. And I can't work for someone I don't respect.

My brother is going to Greece this week. He also might be getting his cast of as well.

I got a second hole pierced in my nose. I've lost 13 pounds since the beginning of January. I work out all the time. The weight loss isn't happening fast enough. I don't feel it yet. But I guess the scale feels it.

Thats it. Thats my life.

ode to high school

I got on the bus this morning. Nothing new. I got on the bus at an unusual time. 8:17 am. Usually I get on the bus around 6. (I skipped my work out this morning) As I got on the bus I had a flash back. I felt like I had gone back a few years. Like the bus was a time machine that took me back to high school. People watched me as I got on. To see where I would dare to sit. The rich bitches with their Holt or American eagle very impractical bags. The punks with their skinny jeans and their music on full blast...and talking loudly as they try to hold conversations over their music. The jocks, the geeks, the losers. They were all present this morning during a blast to my past.

And all I wanted to say to this people was that this wouldn't last. High school, even though is seems like the biggest thing that will ever be in your life. It too will end sooner than you think. Just cause you were a loser in high school, doesn't mean that you have to be the loser for the rest of your life. Just cause your hot in high school doesn't mean your hair won't be grey, your metabolism won't slow don't and your boobs won't sag.

We have the choice to live by the labels that people stick on us. Whats the point of living up to a label. Because when all is said and done, all that matters is that we know who we are. I mean we are the ones that have to live with ourselves. We are the ones that know what really goes through our minds in the still of the night.

That girl in your homeroom, or that guy in your chemistry class. They don't definate you. You Define You.

This isn't just a lesson that high schoolers need to learn. This is something we all need to learn. Remember, you are who you are. Don't be someone else. Be who you are. Its your life. Its your world. Its your future. You Define You.

Blah Blah Blah.

drowning my sorrows in lemonade

As I swallowed my 8th glass of lemonade I realized that I don't even like lemonade. In fact I hate it. Ok so its out there in the open. I hate lemonade. Not even on a hot day, will I enjoy it.

Its too sour. Its too sweet. And its too yellow. I hate it.

Then why am I drowning my sorrows in lemonade you ask? The other day I went shopping. Routine grocery shop. Except I had a time limit, and an item limit. As I had to catch a bus and take everything on the bus. (Side note...one of these days I will be one of those people that you see pushing a grocery cart miles away from any grocery store.)

So as I was saying. I am shopping. The bus leaves in 7 minutes to be exact. I wanted juice. So I grabbed what I thought was the minute maid mango veggie juice. I absolutely love that juice. I didn't even give it a second glance. I made the bus and everything was fine.

Until I got home. I went to pour myself a nice big glass of juice only to realize that alas, it was not the juice I had thought it was. I was sad. I wanted the good stuff.

So I sat down on my couch. And thought about the day that I had just had. I missed my bus to work. I had to take the next one and I was late. I was kind of reprimanded but I think it was more me making myself feel guilty. I inhaled paint fumes all day as we are renovating at work. The sink started leaking, although noone knew cause it leaked into my massage room. I was walking with my hand on my head (don't ask) and I rammed my elbow really hard into the door. And over course I then had to massage a CFLer. (Canadian football leauge...like the NFL, but will bigger balls.) Everyone was in a bad mood at work. I went to the gym. It seemed to be skinny hour at the gym. Enough said about that. On the bus ride home a handycapped man hit on me. He went around and asked everyone on the bus for a pen so he could get my number. I didn't tell him I had 5 in my purse.

In hindsight it was not that bad of a day. But the juice thing really threw me off.

But out of spite I downed that juice like it was the bottle of whisky that I wished I had.

The moral of this story today is that lemons are bad.

Where have all the good people gone?

Well Well Well. Here I am again. I feel as though I haven't written a blog for ages. There is so much going on in my life...yet nothing at all.

A few weeks ago now I got one wisdom tooth pulled. 1! I have to go back and get 2 more done on March 2nd and then the last one done some time after that. The dentist had thought that she could get 3 done...but the 1 took over an hour which is pretty crazy.

Last weekend one of my good friends Cassandra stayed at my house, along with her family. It was good I just didn't have all that much time to spend with them. Although we did go to Boston Pizza, and we did have a really hot waiter...and ya lets just say that its safe to say that he was thoroughly creeped out.

Also on Saturday night, in the first 4 minutes of my little brothers hockey game (he's 16) he scored a goal...which is cool. And then right after he dodged a hit and only his arm got checked in the boards. Well lets just say that his sports trainer had to carry his arm off the ice. He got rushed to the Tofield Hospital. Had X rays although they knew it was broken cause ya know bones were sticking out. His arm was broken in about 4 places on his right forarm. Then Sunday morning my mom drove him to a hospital in the city where he had to meet with an orthopedic surgeon. He stayed the night on Sunday at that hospital and then MOnday morning he had surgery on his arm. 2 or 3 metal plates and a bunch of screws are now in his arm. Yep thats my story.

BUt I guess in my life I am really struggling with people. I believe that people have the choice to be good. The choice not to beat someone up, the choice not to treat others like shit. We all have choices. Is it me or do we all seem to be choosing to be mean. Is it rreally easier to be mean? Ya...not enough time for a proper blog...but ya.

Excuse me while I dislodge my foot from my mouth.

"Do you have any kids?"
"Yes a son."
"How old is he?"
"About 30 something. Haven't talk to him since he was 14."
"Oh."
"Do you work?"
"I did work up until last month."
"Did you retire?"
"No the woman I took care of, died."
"Hmm."
"Do you have any pets?"
"I had a cat, but he just died too."
"Do you have a car?"
"I had a car until last week, I got in a car accident."
"But atleast the insurance will cover something won't it?"
"I didn't have insurance."
"I think you should go to the doctor."
"I don't like doctors."
"I can't help you. A doctor needs to look at this."
"I don't like doctors. I don't have health care."
"Everyone in Alberta has health care."
"Well I don't."
Have you ever had a conversation with someone where everything you said fell to the floor? Sometimes I wonder why I even bother talking.

White Picket Fence

Do you ever have those days where you are completely unsatisfied with the direction your life, where your heading, who your spending time with, and wonder what the point of continuing on this path would be? I am not talking about in the suicidal depressed sort of way, but in the life is taking a toll on me. Aren't I too young to be feeling this way?

Yesterday should have been a good day. I booked the morning off so I could catch some much needed ZZz's. I have been running on perma exhaustion lately and I am not sure why. No ammount of sleep will make this go away it seems. Anyways I had a really bad dream. A whole bunch of people's lives were in my hands. I can't even begin to explain what the dream was about. It is very vivid yet quite vague. But I woke up and I didn't know if I saved these people's lives. It was so confusing. I tried to will myself to go back to sleep just so that I could figure out what happened. But alas you can't really make a dream come back to you. So on my way to work on the bus I tried to change the ending. I wanted everyone to be ok. I wanted to save the day. But this was out of my control.

The day continued being out of my control. One of my best friends in the whole world, is engaged. I should be absolutely thrilled shouldn't I? She asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. There is more to this situation than I can mention. But ya, last night I had a big tear fest with God. I blamed myself. If I had been a better friend, if I had not lead her astray, if I had not involved her in things of my past, if I had called her more, if I had prayed for her more maybe these things wouldn't have happened. To be honest I don't like the man she is marrying. Well ok I like him, but I don't think he is right for her. But I am really asking God to change my heart in this matter. I want to be there, I want to show her love, and above all I want to be a support. It just makes me sad is all.

Then I thought, maybe I am jealous of her. She is going to be taken care of. Her fiance has his own business. She may not even have to work. She lives in a small town. And the man already has a house. And soon she'll have a baby.

Am I jealous of this life? In truth all I really want is a house in the country with a white picket fence. I want to have 2 and a half kids a golden retriever and a fish. An SUV and I want to be a hockey mom. I want to marry an architect, a dentist, an optometrist. Anything that will ensure that I won't have to worry about money again.

I guess last night I realized that I may never have a white picket fence. I may never lead a life of luxury. But I will be living a life of no compromise. I think that is better than this white picket fence life. I am so sick and tired of seeing supposed "Christians" walk away from their calling. We were meant to live for so much more ya know. So much more than picket fences.

I'm not bashing that life. I am not bashing hockey moms or SUVs or architects. I am bashing compromise. But most of all I am trying, trying, trying not to compromise in my own life. So often I look at others lives and I compare myself with them. Its like the grass is greener on their side of the fence. I see other Christians act a certain way and I think that why can't I be or do that.

The moral of this rant is, just because the grass looks greener on the other side of the picket fence, doesn't mean its where your supposed to be.

"IMs to ORY"

I had a revelation as I rode in my preferred mode of transportation these days...a bus. I starred out the window at nothing in particular, thinking about nothing in particular. Probably trying to avoid thinking or making eye contact with anyone else. I wanted to be alone, yet I wanted all of my own thoughts to cease.

Have you ever felt stuck? Like you can't get out of the mode where all you do is feel sorry for yourself? Sometimes I just feel like people should go out of their way to help me..haha. I know, I am sure we all go through those times. Times when the world revolves around us. The times where noone can identify with us because we are going through worse things than they can imagine. Or ya, we just set ourselves on a pedestal.

Well the mood that I was in, was the victim mode. Why me. Why did this happen today. Why do I have to deal with this. And then it dawned on me, why am I playing the victim all the time? Why do I feel this strange magnetism to wanting to be the victim?

Then I thought about God. And I thought about what he wants for my life. He wants me to have victory. To be the victor, not to be the victim. Victory is a very powerful word. VICTORY. I picture the word being said by a very strong scantily clad man riding off to war (don't blame me for my imagination :) ) I guess we all want victory. But do we want to work for our victory?

And then I got angry. Angry that there are only 2 letters seperating me from victory. And that is IM. It seems so simple to take off the IM and add an ORY. I guess this is my challenge today, tomorrow and ya the next day. I don't know if it will get easier not to play the victim, but i do know that its worth trying if there is victory at the end...

VVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRYYYYYY

They will know me by my love?

Hell no... I am not known by my love for people. The other day I went to a new church. And we sang a song with the lyrics 'they will know that we are christians by our love.' That really got me thinking. Who knows that I am a Christian by my love? Half the time if I want someone to know who I apparantly live for I basically have to spell it out.

And I got to thinking about love. Why is it that its so hard for me to love others. God has so readily enabled me to love others. Yet I think that I am afraid to love. When you think about it, this isn't earthly love. This is deep, unconditional, unrestrained, raw love. The love that does not expect anything back. The love that just loves.

This kind of love opens us up to being hurt. To love this kind of love is to be vulnerable. And who in their right mind wants to be vulnerable? God is vulnerable. I guess vulnerable is a characteristic that God has that I have never really thought about before. But its true. Every minute he offers us this unconditional, free, raw love and yet we have the choice to accept this love.

I never usually make new years resolutions. As you can see I don't follow through on them seeing as I am not an 80 pound blond...one day. ha. But I to follow through with it this year. This is the year of love. To be loved and to love. This year I will choose to let God love me. And in turn I want to pass on that love. That is my prayer.

Blessed I am

Setting: A very posh hotel in Singapore
Background music: Beautiful pop violin music
Reason: God is freaking ridiculous

As you may have guessed, I am writing this blog from a hotel in Singapore. I feel so undeserving of this. This is one of the nicest hotels I have stayed in, in my life. And yet it is for free. I am staying in a hotel that I could only dream of, for free. I actually have tears in my eyes.

God is so good. In about 30 hours, my year concludes. My year concludes. This year is nearly over. A year ago on the 11th, I embarked on one of the greatest adventures of my life. And now it is quickly drawing to a close. How do I sum up a year in just a word, let alone a sentence? I guess my sentence would be 'holy shit.' Seriously. OR maybe What the crap would suffice just as well.

24 is the number of airplanes that I have been on in the past year. I don't even want to calculate how many hours I have spent in the air. 12 is the number of countries I have been in this year. 20 is my age. I have lived a life. I have lived more life than some people 3 times my age have lived. Why do I deserve this? I am so undeserving of this blessing!

I seriously can't believe what a year its been. I honestly have a hard time believing that some of the things that I've done actually occured. Who gets to spend easter weekend in a Russian Prison? Like really? I have shared my heart and my testimony with so many people aroudn the world it is crazy. Orphanages, painting, praying, singing, drawing, chopping wood, dramas, dancing, laughing, crying....Who does this all?

I don't say these things to glorify myself. But to give glory to the father. It is only by him that all these things were made possible. He is able to do considerably more than we ask or imagine. I could never have imagined this.

Now I feel as though my life is no longer on hold. I can move on. These past few months I have just been on hold I guess, waiting for my return to New Zealand to conclude my adventure of hte year. I don't know what the future holds, I don't even know what 2 months from now holds. But I do know that its ok not to know. I know that God has called me. He has. And ya that concludes this post for the day :)

back in new zealand

so ya. i am here at the ywam oxford base where i did my dts last year. its really weird to be back here. alot of my friends from last year are here, and they are all staff. so that is really weird. like hardcore weird. i really don't know what to think. its a whole different world.

and its bloody cold right now. i went from 38degrees in the cook islands and like 8 degrees in the south island of new zealand. yep, i'm a little distracted, talk to you later.

angee