Wandering in the Desert

Wandering in the Desert

I used to read the bible. I used to read it everyday. One part that always made me mad, was the part about how God set the Israelites free from the reign of pharroh. God showed his kids many many amazing miracles. He even parted the seas for their safe journey. Incredible right. Well when they crossed the river, he even supplied them with mannah from heaven.

It fell from the heaven just for them. I always thought that they were so stupid. They had seen so many amazing signs and wonders. They had been from the pit of despair to the top of the mountain, But then they turned their back on God. They walked away. They ended up wandering the desert for 40 years.

They made me so mad. Why the hell did they walk away? God showed them so much for crying out loud. Why would they rather serve a golden calf than a God that had taken them away from slavery.

Then I realized that I am like these people. God has given me so much, he set me free from my captives, he provided away across the sea, he blessed me with mannah from heaven. And where am I now? I chose to be back in slavery. I have chosen to wander this horrible desert for 40 years.

And why? All because I am stubborn. Too stubborn to admit that I am wrong. Too stubborn to admit that I am lost, scared, alone. So I continue to wander in this darkness…waiting for what? Waiting for an epiphany? A revelation? What if I continue wandering in this desert and they never come? How long will I wander for? 40 years is a long time. Will I ever see the promise land?

Do I deserve to see the promised land?

Respect and things of the like?

In the days of the internet I know that I should not post anything like this as the person may find it. Your taking a chance to talk about your personal life on the interent. But I need to share somewhere. So here I am, sharing my thoughts on the 'world wide web'.
Can you work for someone you don't respect? Can you enjoy your job if you have absolutely no respect whatsoever for the one who is incharge? Or can you force yourself to respect someone?
I can't. I've tried. How much longer can I work in this place? I have no respect. I am trying. I am trying to change my outlook on things. But how can I give someone respect who deserves none. But who am I to decide who deserves respect?
So can I continue? Can I keep going. It hurts. Its tiring. And I am angry. I am very angry. I visulize myself quitting my job in an angry way. Making a scene. Saying how I feel. Instead I just bottle it up. I keep it inside. And I fake it...boy am I pro at faking it when I want to. So yes I will keep going. Keep pretending that I am happy where I am. But what happens when I stop pretending? Will I explode?

Wake me when its over....

That has been the theme of the past few weeks of my life.

I have had a rough couple of weeks and that is precisely why I haven't updated my blog. I won't bore you with the details of why I want this period to end. But lets just say its getting better...Hopefully.

I am in Calgary for the long weekend. I am hanging out with 2 Amanda's. Tomorrow we are heading to Banff. Should be good fun. Today Amanda G got a tattoo. I was going to but I didn't in the end.

I got back information on my Sponsor Child. Manikanton. He is an absolutely beautiful boy. Adorable. I will try to post a picture and more information when I am at home. I got a laptop for my birthday so I will finally have internet at home. But yes its so amazing that 35$ can help a family of 5 so much. But he is soo beautiful. Maybe one day I will get to visit him.

Work is ok. There is not much work as we needlessly have 3 therapists and slow season has begun. This is a matter of great importance or I guess frusteration in my life.

And my home life. Yes that is another matter that causes great consternation in my life. I have a roomate. Yes its true. And ya. Enough said about that. I won't let my bitter thoughts cascade up on you.

Anyways I must go. It is 2:30 and we wake in a few hours.

Angee