Incase you have noticed before, sometimes my titles have nothing to do with what I actually write about. But in this case, it does have something to do with it. My thoughts are random but usually the pull together in the end.
After a massage today, I felt depressed. I wanted to puke. I looked in the mirror and I wanted to punch the mirror so that I didn't have to look at myself. My back hurt, my heart hurt and I was afraid. I didn't know what brought this on. I was scared. Terrified. I didn't want to stay but I was afraid to leave. Why did this happen?
I then had a big realization. Thats how the person who I had just massaged felt. I picked up what she was feeling. And then the sadness came. What is she afraid of? Does she hate herself? Does she feel not good enough?
I didn't like experiencing those emotions for one minute, but how could a person live their life like that? I also realized that I have a very open aura I guess you would call it. When someone is sad, I am sad. I guess you could say I do Shabot with a person. Yet its funny cause people think I am a very uncompassionate person. I want to identify with people, I guess I asked God to show me how other people. But there has to be a safer way than this.
There has to be a way that you can feel what a person feels, and identify with them, without it bringing you down. Then it dawned on me. Where a condom. Random put true. But this condom is not just a 99.9% condom. This is condom that is 100% effective. Its simple its basic, it has no studs or spikes and its not lubricated or flavored. Its plain. And its in the bible...
What? Ya its true. God clearly talks about wearing spiritual condoms in a sense. I think that this term is more relevant to our society. Other words known as The Armor of God. "There fore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground."
The day of evil is here. We can't go anywhere without there being evil. Its around every corner. We may not feel it, but its there. And it hates us. It hates the spirit that Christ put in us. It wants to affect us.
Have you ever walked into a store and felt sadder when you left, have you ever heard someone talk negatively about themselves and thought about all your flaws. Have you been in a group of people that uses profanity and had the urge to swear? There is evil all around us, and no offense but most of the time we are so dumb that we don't realize it and we take it home with us.
Most of us are infected with spiritual STDs and we don't even know it. Before you leave the house, before you get out of bed, put on your spiritual condom. You need it. Oh and hey, if you are infected with spiritual STDs, I know the great physician...he can heal you and renew your mind.
The moral of the story...ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM!!!!
PUT ON THE SPIRITUAL CONDOM OF GOD AND WHEN STD'S COME YOU WILL BE PROTECTED.
Friday, November 24, 2006
I see with my Hands
I see with my hands... Current mood: drained
I am a massage therapist. I work 6 days a week as a massage therapist. Being a massage therapist is harder than I had imagined.
I see a lot of pain. Pain caused by car accidents, or trauma or pain that is completely unexplained. But I can explain their pain. Its not due to knots or whiplash. Its due to emptiness. I see a lot of empty people. At one time they may have been full, but now, now they have lost what they used to have. People just don't believe that they can get better, I mean why would they believe that they can get better if they have nothing to believe in?
Then I got to thinking about what I believe in. I have a lot of time to think during the day. What do I believe in? If someone asked me today what I believed in, what would I say? First of all I would be breaking a law, a law. I would be breaking a health professionalism law if I told someone what I believe in.
I believe in life. People don't want to hear that. They would rather deal with an empty person like themselves. Empty people stick together so that they don't get convicted. I believe in life now. I believe in living. I am alive, I am living, I have life. And the only reason I have life is because I have Jesus.
I realized lately that you can tell the difference between a person who has life. Its in their eyes. They say that eyes are the door way to the soul. What are your eyes saying? Do your eyes overflow? Or are they empty like everyone elses around you?
Are you living life? Or some other counterpart?
*******************************************************
Yesterday a man told me that he was cheating on his wife. His eyes were empty. You could tell that he felt bad. But he said that if he told her she would leave him. And he couldn't deal with it. So he just kept on walking down this road instead of turning back.
Today his wife came in. She seemed a little sad. I asked her if she was ok. She told me she thought her husband was cheating on her. She asked me if I thought that he could be.
I cried inside. I said I didn't know. My heart hurts. But my eyes are too dry to cry. What could I have said?
What would you have said? Told the truth? Or broke the law...and lost your job. I didn't know what choice to make. So I changed the subject.
She loves her husband dearly. She said that she would be hurt if her husband was cheating on her. She said that she would forgive him, because she would understand why he did.
But he doesn't want to take the chance. So he would rather feeling sick, every time his wife says he loves him.
Whatever.
All I can do is love. And I can only love with God's help. I no longer can rely on my words...but its my actions that tell the story
I am a massage therapist. I work 6 days a week as a massage therapist. Being a massage therapist is harder than I had imagined.
I see a lot of pain. Pain caused by car accidents, or trauma or pain that is completely unexplained. But I can explain their pain. Its not due to knots or whiplash. Its due to emptiness. I see a lot of empty people. At one time they may have been full, but now, now they have lost what they used to have. People just don't believe that they can get better, I mean why would they believe that they can get better if they have nothing to believe in?
Then I got to thinking about what I believe in. I have a lot of time to think during the day. What do I believe in? If someone asked me today what I believed in, what would I say? First of all I would be breaking a law, a law. I would be breaking a health professionalism law if I told someone what I believe in.
I believe in life. People don't want to hear that. They would rather deal with an empty person like themselves. Empty people stick together so that they don't get convicted. I believe in life now. I believe in living. I am alive, I am living, I have life. And the only reason I have life is because I have Jesus.
I realized lately that you can tell the difference between a person who has life. Its in their eyes. They say that eyes are the door way to the soul. What are your eyes saying? Do your eyes overflow? Or are they empty like everyone elses around you?
Are you living life? Or some other counterpart?
*******************************************************
Yesterday a man told me that he was cheating on his wife. His eyes were empty. You could tell that he felt bad. But he said that if he told her she would leave him. And he couldn't deal with it. So he just kept on walking down this road instead of turning back.
Today his wife came in. She seemed a little sad. I asked her if she was ok. She told me she thought her husband was cheating on her. She asked me if I thought that he could be.
I cried inside. I said I didn't know. My heart hurts. But my eyes are too dry to cry. What could I have said?
What would you have said? Told the truth? Or broke the law...and lost your job. I didn't know what choice to make. So I changed the subject.
She loves her husband dearly. She said that she would be hurt if her husband was cheating on her. She said that she would forgive him, because she would understand why he did.
But he doesn't want to take the chance. So he would rather feeling sick, every time his wife says he loves him.
Whatever.
All I can do is love. And I can only love with God's help. I no longer can rely on my words...but its my actions that tell the story
Monday, November 20, 2006
its all good.
i apologize for the bitterness that was portrayed in this past post. well ya, its all good. things are looking up ya know. and ya its all good.
angee
angee
Saturday, November 18, 2006
letdowns, triumphs and just crap
Hey,
So as some of you may not know, I moved out of my Mom's house at the beginning of November. I moved to the west end of edmonton....for my cousin, because we would be near to where she worked, so then I could use her car to drive to my work. So things were going good, we were just settling into the place and to the routine of life.
Then comes Wednesday. Wednesday I did not start work until the afternoon so I was at home eating lunch and I went to the kitchen to grab a cup from the cupboard...well the whole kitchen cupboard fell off the wall. Who does that happen to? The whole thing. Seriously. I am not even lying. It hit my neck and my leg. Glass everywhere. Turns out the contractor did a really crappy job.
Well I called my cousin at work, and told her. And then she said she needed to talk to me when I got home. We talked when I got home, and she said that she had basically quit her job and was going to move back home to Ontario in January because she wasn't happy where she is. Well thats fine, that gives me 2 months to find a roomate or decide if I am gonna move. Well yesterday which was Thursday, she stayed home sick and her boss called in and said that since she was quitting anyways she might as well not come back. Well she is leaving on Tuesday.
So now I have a place which I can't afford. I have to spend 4 hours on the bus each day. I have never been this angry or stressed out in my life. Actually as I write this tears are falling. I am so stressed that I have been puking, I've passed out, and my eye sight is blurry. And I am angry. I've only lived here for 2 freaking weeks.
Honestly, I understand, but she screwed me over. Right now I honestly hate her. That is something I am going to have to deal with, God says don't let the sun go down on your anger. I let it go down and now I am even angrier. Right now, I don't care to ever see her again. I know that sounds harsh but its true. I can't hide how I feel. She hurt me. She really did.
And ya thats my laugh right now, but I need to go puke once again, so I should go.
Angee
So as some of you may not know, I moved out of my Mom's house at the beginning of November. I moved to the west end of edmonton....for my cousin, because we would be near to where she worked, so then I could use her car to drive to my work. So things were going good, we were just settling into the place and to the routine of life.
Then comes Wednesday. Wednesday I did not start work until the afternoon so I was at home eating lunch and I went to the kitchen to grab a cup from the cupboard...well the whole kitchen cupboard fell off the wall. Who does that happen to? The whole thing. Seriously. I am not even lying. It hit my neck and my leg. Glass everywhere. Turns out the contractor did a really crappy job.
Well I called my cousin at work, and told her. And then she said she needed to talk to me when I got home. We talked when I got home, and she said that she had basically quit her job and was going to move back home to Ontario in January because she wasn't happy where she is. Well thats fine, that gives me 2 months to find a roomate or decide if I am gonna move. Well yesterday which was Thursday, she stayed home sick and her boss called in and said that since she was quitting anyways she might as well not come back. Well she is leaving on Tuesday.
So now I have a place which I can't afford. I have to spend 4 hours on the bus each day. I have never been this angry or stressed out in my life. Actually as I write this tears are falling. I am so stressed that I have been puking, I've passed out, and my eye sight is blurry. And I am angry. I've only lived here for 2 freaking weeks.
Honestly, I understand, but she screwed me over. Right now I honestly hate her. That is something I am going to have to deal with, God says don't let the sun go down on your anger. I let it go down and now I am even angrier. Right now, I don't care to ever see her again. I know that sounds harsh but its true. I can't hide how I feel. She hurt me. She really did.
And ya thats my laugh right now, but I need to go puke once again, so I should go.
Angee
Saturday, November 11, 2006
If these blue eyes could talk
I have blues eyes, when I am angry these eyes turn to an icey silverish blue flecked with red. When I am sad they are the bluest of blues with a hint of tears. When I am happy or joyful they turn a greenish hazel colour.
These eyes have been through a lot. Would would they say if they could talk?
Would they tell someone about the bruises on the lady at the bus stop? Would they feed the homeless man eating from the dumpster? Would these eyes take a stand and shout out against the civil wars in Africa? Would these eyes comfort a broken hearted mother after her son hung himself in his basement last week? Would these eyes have shown him love before it was too late?
Would these eyes admit that they had seen my best friends husband kissing another woman? Would they reach out and say to the ladies working on the corner that they are worthy to be loved? Would these eyes even walk over to the kids shooting up in the alley and tell them that there is a better way? Would these eyes joke with someone who needed to laugh? Would they try to dry the tears that fell? Would they hold you in their arms until the pain is gone? Would they even stand for something instead of falling for nothing? OR would they offer a shoulder, a helping hand, a comforting word, a prayer, an open ear or even a smile?
No. All my eyes can do is look. They can't speak, walk, hold, jump. All the eyes can do is see.
But to see, that should be enough. Not to just look and walk away. But to reach out. To use the body that God gave us and use it to the full. The world has enough eyes that can see...but is their any bodys?
These eyes have been through a lot. Would would they say if they could talk?
Would they tell someone about the bruises on the lady at the bus stop? Would they feed the homeless man eating from the dumpster? Would these eyes take a stand and shout out against the civil wars in Africa? Would these eyes comfort a broken hearted mother after her son hung himself in his basement last week? Would these eyes have shown him love before it was too late?
Would these eyes admit that they had seen my best friends husband kissing another woman? Would they reach out and say to the ladies working on the corner that they are worthy to be loved? Would these eyes even walk over to the kids shooting up in the alley and tell them that there is a better way? Would these eyes joke with someone who needed to laugh? Would they try to dry the tears that fell? Would they hold you in their arms until the pain is gone? Would they even stand for something instead of falling for nothing? OR would they offer a shoulder, a helping hand, a comforting word, a prayer, an open ear or even a smile?
No. All my eyes can do is look. They can't speak, walk, hold, jump. All the eyes can do is see.
But to see, that should be enough. Not to just look and walk away. But to reach out. To use the body that God gave us and use it to the full. The world has enough eyes that can see...but is their any bodys?
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
brown eyed jesus
i saw him the other day. standing on the street. i looked into his big brown eyes and he smiled as he opened the door for me. i saw him later that day and he told me he had been thinking about me. i was in love. i gave him my heart. he said he gave me freedom. he made me want to fly. he made me think that i was beautiful. i trusted in him, i was his and he was mine.
i walked into the place i called heaven. it just didn't feel right. something was off. someone else was with my jesus in my piece of heaven.
how could someone who made me want to fly make me want to die?
the truth is that he wasn't jesus. he did bring me freedom, he didn't love me. then why did i so readily give my heart to him? why did i lift him up like he was my lord? why did i place him higher than my god?
my heart was broken on the floor, and then this so called brown eyed jesus stomped on it. and it was my fault. i give my heart away so easily to places that will stomp on it. yet i am afraid to give it to the one true Jesus, the one who will hold it in the palm of his hands ever so gentley and lovingly, the one who will heal and make my broken heart new.
why can i give my heart to the brown eyed jesus on the street corner, but not Jesus saviour and lover of my soul?
i walked into the place i called heaven. it just didn't feel right. something was off. someone else was with my jesus in my piece of heaven.
how could someone who made me want to fly make me want to die?
the truth is that he wasn't jesus. he did bring me freedom, he didn't love me. then why did i so readily give my heart to him? why did i lift him up like he was my lord? why did i place him higher than my god?
my heart was broken on the floor, and then this so called brown eyed jesus stomped on it. and it was my fault. i give my heart away so easily to places that will stomp on it. yet i am afraid to give it to the one true Jesus, the one who will hold it in the palm of his hands ever so gentley and lovingly, the one who will heal and make my broken heart new.
why can i give my heart to the brown eyed jesus on the street corner, but not Jesus saviour and lover of my soul?
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