White Picket Fence

Do you ever have those days where you are completely unsatisfied with the direction your life, where your heading, who your spending time with, and wonder what the point of continuing on this path would be? I am not talking about in the suicidal depressed sort of way, but in the life is taking a toll on me. Aren't I too young to be feeling this way?

Yesterday should have been a good day. I booked the morning off so I could catch some much needed ZZz's. I have been running on perma exhaustion lately and I am not sure why. No ammount of sleep will make this go away it seems. Anyways I had a really bad dream. A whole bunch of people's lives were in my hands. I can't even begin to explain what the dream was about. It is very vivid yet quite vague. But I woke up and I didn't know if I saved these people's lives. It was so confusing. I tried to will myself to go back to sleep just so that I could figure out what happened. But alas you can't really make a dream come back to you. So on my way to work on the bus I tried to change the ending. I wanted everyone to be ok. I wanted to save the day. But this was out of my control.

The day continued being out of my control. One of my best friends in the whole world, is engaged. I should be absolutely thrilled shouldn't I? She asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. There is more to this situation than I can mention. But ya, last night I had a big tear fest with God. I blamed myself. If I had been a better friend, if I had not lead her astray, if I had not involved her in things of my past, if I had called her more, if I had prayed for her more maybe these things wouldn't have happened. To be honest I don't like the man she is marrying. Well ok I like him, but I don't think he is right for her. But I am really asking God to change my heart in this matter. I want to be there, I want to show her love, and above all I want to be a support. It just makes me sad is all.

Then I thought, maybe I am jealous of her. She is going to be taken care of. Her fiance has his own business. She may not even have to work. She lives in a small town. And the man already has a house. And soon she'll have a baby.

Am I jealous of this life? In truth all I really want is a house in the country with a white picket fence. I want to have 2 and a half kids a golden retriever and a fish. An SUV and I want to be a hockey mom. I want to marry an architect, a dentist, an optometrist. Anything that will ensure that I won't have to worry about money again.

I guess last night I realized that I may never have a white picket fence. I may never lead a life of luxury. But I will be living a life of no compromise. I think that is better than this white picket fence life. I am so sick and tired of seeing supposed "Christians" walk away from their calling. We were meant to live for so much more ya know. So much more than picket fences.

I'm not bashing that life. I am not bashing hockey moms or SUVs or architects. I am bashing compromise. But most of all I am trying, trying, trying not to compromise in my own life. So often I look at others lives and I compare myself with them. Its like the grass is greener on their side of the fence. I see other Christians act a certain way and I think that why can't I be or do that.

The moral of this rant is, just because the grass looks greener on the other side of the picket fence, doesn't mean its where your supposed to be.

"IMs to ORY"

I had a revelation as I rode in my preferred mode of transportation these days...a bus. I starred out the window at nothing in particular, thinking about nothing in particular. Probably trying to avoid thinking or making eye contact with anyone else. I wanted to be alone, yet I wanted all of my own thoughts to cease.

Have you ever felt stuck? Like you can't get out of the mode where all you do is feel sorry for yourself? Sometimes I just feel like people should go out of their way to help me..haha. I know, I am sure we all go through those times. Times when the world revolves around us. The times where noone can identify with us because we are going through worse things than they can imagine. Or ya, we just set ourselves on a pedestal.

Well the mood that I was in, was the victim mode. Why me. Why did this happen today. Why do I have to deal with this. And then it dawned on me, why am I playing the victim all the time? Why do I feel this strange magnetism to wanting to be the victim?

Then I thought about God. And I thought about what he wants for my life. He wants me to have victory. To be the victor, not to be the victim. Victory is a very powerful word. VICTORY. I picture the word being said by a very strong scantily clad man riding off to war (don't blame me for my imagination :) ) I guess we all want victory. But do we want to work for our victory?

And then I got angry. Angry that there are only 2 letters seperating me from victory. And that is IM. It seems so simple to take off the IM and add an ORY. I guess this is my challenge today, tomorrow and ya the next day. I don't know if it will get easier not to play the victim, but i do know that its worth trying if there is victory at the end...

VVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRYYYYYY

They will know me by my love?

Hell no... I am not known by my love for people. The other day I went to a new church. And we sang a song with the lyrics 'they will know that we are christians by our love.' That really got me thinking. Who knows that I am a Christian by my love? Half the time if I want someone to know who I apparantly live for I basically have to spell it out.

And I got to thinking about love. Why is it that its so hard for me to love others. God has so readily enabled me to love others. Yet I think that I am afraid to love. When you think about it, this isn't earthly love. This is deep, unconditional, unrestrained, raw love. The love that does not expect anything back. The love that just loves.

This kind of love opens us up to being hurt. To love this kind of love is to be vulnerable. And who in their right mind wants to be vulnerable? God is vulnerable. I guess vulnerable is a characteristic that God has that I have never really thought about before. But its true. Every minute he offers us this unconditional, free, raw love and yet we have the choice to accept this love.

I never usually make new years resolutions. As you can see I don't follow through on them seeing as I am not an 80 pound blond...one day. ha. But I to follow through with it this year. This is the year of love. To be loved and to love. This year I will choose to let God love me. And in turn I want to pass on that love. That is my prayer.

Blessed I am

Setting: A very posh hotel in Singapore
Background music: Beautiful pop violin music
Reason: God is freaking ridiculous

As you may have guessed, I am writing this blog from a hotel in Singapore. I feel so undeserving of this. This is one of the nicest hotels I have stayed in, in my life. And yet it is for free. I am staying in a hotel that I could only dream of, for free. I actually have tears in my eyes.

God is so good. In about 30 hours, my year concludes. My year concludes. This year is nearly over. A year ago on the 11th, I embarked on one of the greatest adventures of my life. And now it is quickly drawing to a close. How do I sum up a year in just a word, let alone a sentence? I guess my sentence would be 'holy shit.' Seriously. OR maybe What the crap would suffice just as well.

24 is the number of airplanes that I have been on in the past year. I don't even want to calculate how many hours I have spent in the air. 12 is the number of countries I have been in this year. 20 is my age. I have lived a life. I have lived more life than some people 3 times my age have lived. Why do I deserve this? I am so undeserving of this blessing!

I seriously can't believe what a year its been. I honestly have a hard time believing that some of the things that I've done actually occured. Who gets to spend easter weekend in a Russian Prison? Like really? I have shared my heart and my testimony with so many people aroudn the world it is crazy. Orphanages, painting, praying, singing, drawing, chopping wood, dramas, dancing, laughing, crying....Who does this all?

I don't say these things to glorify myself. But to give glory to the father. It is only by him that all these things were made possible. He is able to do considerably more than we ask or imagine. I could never have imagined this.

Now I feel as though my life is no longer on hold. I can move on. These past few months I have just been on hold I guess, waiting for my return to New Zealand to conclude my adventure of hte year. I don't know what the future holds, I don't even know what 2 months from now holds. But I do know that its ok not to know. I know that God has called me. He has. And ya that concludes this post for the day :)

back in new zealand

so ya. i am here at the ywam oxford base where i did my dts last year. its really weird to be back here. alot of my friends from last year are here, and they are all staff. so that is really weird. like hardcore weird. i really don't know what to think. its a whole different world.

and its bloody cold right now. i went from 38degrees in the cook islands and like 8 degrees in the south island of new zealand. yep, i'm a little distracted, talk to you later.

angee