a long time gone

I guess I haven't updated this thing for awhile. I don't really have much to say except that I am alive.

Healing Tears

On Friday, I spent 3/4 's of the day crying. There were tears of sadness, loneliness, anger, confusion, joy, happiness, love and life. There were also tears for the end of an era. I haven't spent much time studying the old testament like I should have but after 40 years of wandering in the desert I am positive that when they were heading to the promised land that they cried a mixture of tears.

I am no longer wandering in the desert. I feel as if I am on the edge of something more, I'm on the ledge waiting to jump. All I have to do is jump, to run ahead, to climb. God did something major in my heart these past 10 days. It hurt...alot. I had to get rid of some things that were really important in my life. It hasn't really sunken in yet, because I haven't returned to my normal life yet... (aka life back in Edmonton). And to be completely honest I am scared.

Someone told me the other day that the reason why I always have discouragement coming my way is because satan knows that if I actually follow God with my whole heart that I will be a force. That made me think, its true. Whenever I get really close to God, something happens, and I fall down the mountain that I have worked so hard for.

The other day before I came to the place where I found God, I was wondering if I ever really believed. How can someone whose seen as many miracles as I have, someone whose had real conversations with God, and ya have known his great love...how can they just turn around and run away. I wondered if I was ever truly a spiritual person.

Yes. I was. And still am. The desire for the truth never left, it was always there. I just tried to cover it. There is a verse in the bible that says something like this 'That neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither past nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'

Amen....more to follow.

Where is my Heart?

Some people who read my blog have expressed concerns, their concerns are mainly where I stand. By stand I guess I mean where my heart lies.

I am not sure if you have watched the triology of movies 'Pirates of the Caribean.' In the movie their is a pirate whose heart is in a box and throughout all three movies there is a fight for it. Davie Jones (the pirate) knows that if this box with the heart in it falls into the wrong hands he is basically a goner.

I feel like him. Although I am not a pirate, but I am a wanderer. My heart is in a box some where. I can't figure out the exact moment when I lost my heart, I don't understand why it happened either. What went wrong. Just like Davie I am worrying that my heart may fall into the wrong hands. It has fallen into the wrong hands in the past, but there is always the question of 'what if I can't get it back?'

Do I want it back? I find that when I had my heart that it hurt too much. I found myself crying for people in need. Do I really want to cry whenever I see someone that I can't help? I would be crying all the time. Sometimes its much easier to not have my heart.

I know this sounds weird. But the way I see it, everyone in the world has 2 options. Give their heart to God to be protected and loved. Or give your heart to something else, anything else. The second choice all too often gets made. In fact I have given my heart away to that choice. I know that it was a stupid choice.

I now can see how broken my heart has become. I've given pieces of my heart to many different things. Friends, family, boys, parties, alcohol, drugs, sex, music, popularity, gossip, bitterness, hatred, self disgust, money. All those things have a piece of my heart. All those things are wandering around some where with my heart.

I am still me, just minus my heart. But if you don't have a heart are you still you? Once God had my heart. I felt more alive and for the first time in my life I knew who I was and who I was created to be. But alas I have wandered away from that truth.

It is simple to turn back to God. It takes 3 words. Please Forgive me. It takes a need, a want, a desire to be forgiven. Yes I have those things. Yes I want to follow God. But I am sick of using God. I'm sick of begging for forgiveness (God doesn't make us beg...its just out of our selfishness that we think that we need to beg God to forgive us) I am sick of telling God that I love him so much, I am sick of raising my hands in praise, when I don't mean it. One minute I am praising, the next I am cursing. Its sick really. Is it too much to expect of myself to just believe? To have faith? And to follow him? Instead of being blown away like a leaf in the wind?

I know thats what this journey of life is about. Learning to follow. I want to live for God. I just know right now I can't. I can't go back to him unless I know that I am serious this time. Have you ever had a friend who was only your friend when they were in need? This is what I am with God. I need to get to the point where I truly want him. Out of want and desire. Not need. I know I need him. But do I desire him? Do I want him?

I just don't know yet.

As I walk down the street with my pedicure, my salon dyed hair, my brand new cell phone attached to my ear, and an ipod attached to the other, I suddenly look around. I walk this road every day. Sometimes 2 to 3 times. Why haven't I taken it in. Thats when I realize that I don't want to take it in, because perhaps that I acknowledged my surroundings that I would try to do something about it.



I stop and smell one of the many lilac bushes that line the street. "Hello." A voice from inside the bush says. After the shock has subsided, I realize that I am envading into ones home. This woman had set up a matress and tarp inside this bush. "Sorry." I replied hurriedly and went on my way.



Thats when I look around. It is like I am seeing things for the first time. There are matresses, and clothes, and garbage bags all around this area. Sure, I see homeless people all the time. Which is tragic. But I look around at the majority of these people, and they look normal. In fact I recognize some of them. I ride the bus and the train with them, I see them going into work.



These are the working homeless class that I read about. I didn't know or maybe I just didn't care before. But these people are my neighbours. They live in the ravine across from my house. I live in the richest province of Canada. Yet this province has the lowest minimum wage. There is a major housing shortage at the moment. And the houses and appartments that are available are so overpriced that it has forced 'normal people' on the streets.



This is absolutely unacceptable. What can we do about this? How can we change this?

So I wrote this yesterday. Well today I walked down the road again. Things were different. What changed? Oh yes that lilic bush that I had refered to, where the one woman was living. It was gone. Is that how we are dealing with the problems in society? Just pretending they don't exist. If there is no place for the person to go they won't stay in that area..is that what we are doing? Just sweeping this problem under the rug?

What can I do? What can we do?

Calm

Funny story. People think I'm calm. I know its a laugh. You and I both know that I am not that calm of a person. Apparently I have become calmer. Ya I know. I laugh every time I hear it. People at work tell me I'm so calm all the time. They ask me how I can be so calm. Which is amusing because well at work is when I am the most high strung. The gym too. My personal trainer tells everyone that I work with that I am calm. That I just go with the flow.

If only they knew what went on in my head :) In my head I freak out alot. Do you ever sit there and realize that you've said something you meant to say in your head aloud? That has happened to me more and more frequently. ITs weird :)

Today was a good day. I got to go to a baby shower for a really really good friend of mine. I would consider her my sister. Her mom was the one that took care of me for many years. I am so fond of that family. Yes thats right...fond. Her mom told stories about me...haha I was such a brilliant child. I mean, finally someone realizes how truly brilliant I am :)

Yes anyways. I'm gonna go play poker right now...I have an amazing poker face...haha. haha.haha. not really. I Don't even know how to play poker. But I told everyone that I do...ya...

ciao

Bad luck with roomates...

Maybe its me. Maybe it really isn't someone else's fault. Maybe its me. Maybe I'm a bad roomate. Its me than. 2 out of 2 people that I've lived with. Hmm. They both have something in common... Me. Then its settled. Hense forth and forever more I shall not be allowed to live with anyone.

Well this time, hmmm. Not sure if I'm actually to blame. A girl I know is living with me, and has been for the past month. She didn't have a job, or money. Well, she still doesn't have money. How can a person live off someone else for a month and not get a job????? Does she think I am made of money? I don't get it. I don't get it. Like, who does that?

I talked to her today. I guess she got a job. She starts on Monday. Its about bloody time. A month. I've supported her for a month. I'm tired. Can I afford to have a 20 year old child?
I am still at a loss. How long can I go on like this? I've worked hard for my stuff. I know that stuff isn't the be all end all. But I started with nothing and I made something ya know?

And she has a cat. It stinks. My house smells like cat. Ok correction the litter box is a rotting pit of smelly disgusting fesces and I don't think that I should be the one to clean it. Ya, anyways I know I am just being selfish. But I don't think I should have to take a second job to support someone else.

Anyways, I am actually in a good mood. ITs nice and glorious out. Obviously I am not outside. I swept off my sidewalk, and played with the dog. Actually I threw this ball and it got stuck on the neighbours side of the fence and I had to like reach my hand thru the narrow fence and try to pull the ball out all while trying to distract the dog as to not eat me :) Meanwhile the neighbours were watching me out their window. Haha.

I'm cool beans.

Wandering in the Desert

Wandering in the Desert

I used to read the bible. I used to read it everyday. One part that always made me mad, was the part about how God set the Israelites free from the reign of pharroh. God showed his kids many many amazing miracles. He even parted the seas for their safe journey. Incredible right. Well when they crossed the river, he even supplied them with mannah from heaven.

It fell from the heaven just for them. I always thought that they were so stupid. They had seen so many amazing signs and wonders. They had been from the pit of despair to the top of the mountain, But then they turned their back on God. They walked away. They ended up wandering the desert for 40 years.

They made me so mad. Why the hell did they walk away? God showed them so much for crying out loud. Why would they rather serve a golden calf than a God that had taken them away from slavery.

Then I realized that I am like these people. God has given me so much, he set me free from my captives, he provided away across the sea, he blessed me with mannah from heaven. And where am I now? I chose to be back in slavery. I have chosen to wander this horrible desert for 40 years.

And why? All because I am stubborn. Too stubborn to admit that I am wrong. Too stubborn to admit that I am lost, scared, alone. So I continue to wander in this darkness…waiting for what? Waiting for an epiphany? A revelation? What if I continue wandering in this desert and they never come? How long will I wander for? 40 years is a long time. Will I ever see the promise land?

Do I deserve to see the promised land?