White Picket Fence

Do you ever have those days where you are completely unsatisfied with the direction your life, where your heading, who your spending time with, and wonder what the point of continuing on this path would be? I am not talking about in the suicidal depressed sort of way, but in the life is taking a toll on me. Aren't I too young to be feeling this way?

Yesterday should have been a good day. I booked the morning off so I could catch some much needed ZZz's. I have been running on perma exhaustion lately and I am not sure why. No ammount of sleep will make this go away it seems. Anyways I had a really bad dream. A whole bunch of people's lives were in my hands. I can't even begin to explain what the dream was about. It is very vivid yet quite vague. But I woke up and I didn't know if I saved these people's lives. It was so confusing. I tried to will myself to go back to sleep just so that I could figure out what happened. But alas you can't really make a dream come back to you. So on my way to work on the bus I tried to change the ending. I wanted everyone to be ok. I wanted to save the day. But this was out of my control.

The day continued being out of my control. One of my best friends in the whole world, is engaged. I should be absolutely thrilled shouldn't I? She asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. There is more to this situation than I can mention. But ya, last night I had a big tear fest with God. I blamed myself. If I had been a better friend, if I had not lead her astray, if I had not involved her in things of my past, if I had called her more, if I had prayed for her more maybe these things wouldn't have happened. To be honest I don't like the man she is marrying. Well ok I like him, but I don't think he is right for her. But I am really asking God to change my heart in this matter. I want to be there, I want to show her love, and above all I want to be a support. It just makes me sad is all.

Then I thought, maybe I am jealous of her. She is going to be taken care of. Her fiance has his own business. She may not even have to work. She lives in a small town. And the man already has a house. And soon she'll have a baby.

Am I jealous of this life? In truth all I really want is a house in the country with a white picket fence. I want to have 2 and a half kids a golden retriever and a fish. An SUV and I want to be a hockey mom. I want to marry an architect, a dentist, an optometrist. Anything that will ensure that I won't have to worry about money again.

I guess last night I realized that I may never have a white picket fence. I may never lead a life of luxury. But I will be living a life of no compromise. I think that is better than this white picket fence life. I am so sick and tired of seeing supposed "Christians" walk away from their calling. We were meant to live for so much more ya know. So much more than picket fences.

I'm not bashing that life. I am not bashing hockey moms or SUVs or architects. I am bashing compromise. But most of all I am trying, trying, trying not to compromise in my own life. So often I look at others lives and I compare myself with them. Its like the grass is greener on their side of the fence. I see other Christians act a certain way and I think that why can't I be or do that.

The moral of this rant is, just because the grass looks greener on the other side of the picket fence, doesn't mean its where your supposed to be.